


Desperate Measures

by playout, PrinnPrick



Series: Love (and) Letters [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dirty Tactics, Fluff, HP: EWE, Humor, M/M, Photography, Slash, Wooing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-10 06:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4379996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playout/pseuds/playout, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinnPrick/pseuds/PrinnPrick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Draco wants Harry. He has for some time. Unfortunately, all his efforts to gain Harry's attention have fallen flat. It's time to up the ante.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desperate Measures

Malfoy,

Please stop sending me nude pictures. I thought at first they somehow found their way to me on accident but that no longer seems to be the case, as this is now the third time it has happened. Though what you have is, admittedly, fairly impressive, I must ask you to cease and desist. Not only am I not interested, I am always at work when you send them and Ron nearly had a heart attack last time.

Auror Potter

\------

Dear Potter,

I shall stop sending them when they've accomplished their task and finally persuaded you to see for yourself what is, I assure you, even better in person.

In the meantime, please enjoy the latest. (The lighting was particularly good in my shower this morning.)

Sincerely,  
Draco

\------

Malfoy,

I will get a restraining order if need be.

HP

\------

Weasley,

Seeing as your partner has taken to returning my owls unopened, will you please ensure that the enclosed photographs reach him?

Much obliged,  
DM

\------

Malfoy,

Do not get me involved in whatever weird sex games you and Harry are playing. I do not want to know about it.

Why don't you bribe a postal worker or something?

Ron Weasley

\------

Bloody hell, Ron--

Stop giving Malfoy ideas!

\------

Dear Harry,

Cousin Draco asked me to send these photographs to you.

They really are quite lovely, aren't they? I especially like the one in the garden. The composition is excellent, particularly in the interplay of light and shadow on the contours of his naked form. And he looks so natural amongst the flowers--like some kind of faerie prince, don't you think?

What a happy surprise that you are dating! I had no idea (but I often miss these sorts of things). Draco is an excellent match for you and I'm glad you've both finally acknowledged your long-standing animalistic attraction to each other. The sexual tension between you made it difficult to concentrate in class sometimes. Such powerful pheromones!

Remember the new moon is fast approaching. Use only copper cookware for the next two days and have a vinegar soak each night to keep your wrackspurts from over-breeding. You've always had a terrible time wrackspurts, Harry. (Regular shagging helps with that, as well, so hopefully Draco can keep your population in check. I'll mention it to him.)

Love,  
Luna

\------

Malfoy,

Luna? _Really?_ First Ron and now her? You must be desperate.

My answer is still no. The last time you tempted me it turned out to be a horrible prank. You don't think I've forgotten that, do you? Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice and I _will_ give you rocks for testicles.

HP

\------

Dear Idiots,

Just bang already!

Pansy

\------

Harry, (Can I call you Harry?),

That was only a bit of schoolyard sport. No harm meant by it. But please accept my most heartfelt apologies, nevertheless.

I promise you, my motives are sincere. You won't regret trusting me this time. As a token of my genuine feelings, enjoy this latest photo series. I was feeling rather...inspired.

Yours, if you'll have me,  
Draco

\------

 _Malfoy_ ,

You got me to strip down to my pants and then dumped mud on me after I was dumb enough to trust your flirting and meet you in the dungeons! And you invited all your little cronies to watch!

Nude pictures of yourself--covered in suds, posing with roses, pouting at the camera, swimming in galleons, or tangled up in bed--will not sway me.

Physical attraction was never the issue, after all.

We are adults now, but I am still quite adept at holding a grudge.

Potter

P.S.  
This is the only photo you get. Just to show you what you already rejected. If it shows up in the papers, I will make sure you end up in Azkaban, even if I have to trump charges to do it!

\------

Dear Harry,

I can't help but take heart in the fact you've replied--and quite _handsomely_ , I might add. I hope this means your cold feelings toward me are thawing somewhat.

Regarding the mud incident, there are a number of choices I made during our school years that I regret most deeply. I am sorry to say that humiliating you ranks lower than most, but that is only in virtue of the fact the others were so very bad and their consequences so extreme.

If I could do it all over again, a great many things would be different, not the least of which being my response to you in any state of nudity. But it doesn't do to dwell in the past.

Suffice it to say, I was a fool. And I don't intend to make the same mistakes twice.

To that end, much as it pained me to do so, I destroyed your photograph so there's not the slightest possibility of it falling into the wrong hands. If you find it in your heart to forgive me, I look forward to the possibility of replacing the cherished memory of that image with something even better.

Breathlessly yours,  
Draco

\------

Pansy,

How do you think he will respond to this one? It's honest, but it seems pathetic. Groveling. I can't imagine the Saviour of the Wizarding World would want some kind of sniveling, simpering consort...though I would willingly play the part if that is what it takes to win his affection.

I need your wisdom.

Draco

\------

Draco,

You are such a moron. I can't believe I was ever heartbroken over you. You and Potter are perfect for each other...in that if you were to put your two brains together, you would have a whole.

Unless you plan to send _me_ nude pictures, I want no part in this insipid attempt at wooing the speccy git. But, as your loving and generous (and beautiful) friend of all friends, I will impart a bit of advice: if you aren't yourself, you'll both be miserable in the end. Either he wants you or he does not, and given that he used the words 'the last time you tempted me' in his previous letter and the whole muddy make-out debacle is still on his mind, I imagine he does. So, if you _slither in_ with anything less than full honesty, we both know where that is going to lead.

And let's face it: that missive, though it screams hypocrisy on my part, is the only way to grab his attentions again. Now you need to work your usual charming personality in.

I shall be busy with my own love issues so unless you want me to beat you with your own broom one night while you are trying to sleep, do not owl me back.

Love and kisses,  
Pansy

\------

Malfoy,

I may or may not be at Fortescue's on Wednesday with Teddy. Seeing as he is strangely fond of you, feel free to join. Or don't. Whatever. We will possibly be enjoying ice cream around 3pm.

Harry

\------

Dear Harry,

I had a truly lovely time with you and Teddy today. Thank you very much for including me in your afternoon together. It has been some time since I've been to Diagon, which means I have been missing out on the gastronomic bliss that is Fortescue's triple chocolate ice cream. It is somewhat dangerous, I fear, that I've now been reminded of its goodness...for my waistline, anyway. But the company (yours and Teddy's both) was even better than the treat. He is a delightful child and you...well, I hope by this point you know just how pleasing I find your company.

Forgive me for not saying as much about it in person--I wasn't sure you would deem it appropriate for young ears, so I decided to err on the side of caution. But please don't mistake my reserve for a tempering of my passions. They are quite as fierce as before, I assure you.

As I believe you can see quite well in this photograph.

Aching for you,  
Draco

P.S.  
I purchased new film while we were out. I was running low.

\------

Draco,

I get it already, Merlin! No need to be so embarassing... And I have enough pictures to last me a lifetime, I'm sure.

But if you want to come by my flat tomorrow, there may not be a reason for more film.

I don't do one-offs so if you come over, I expect you to stay.

...This better not be a joke.

Harry

\------

Dear Harry,

I'm sorry I had to leave without saying a proper goodbye. You were sleeping so peacefully, I didn't want to wake you...especially not after keeping you up so late last night.

You were amazing, by the way. I know I said that already, but it bears repeating.

My photography class goes until 10, so I'm sure you will be at work by the time I'm done. In which case--dinner? Ordinarily, I'd worry about coming off over-eager but I think we're well past the point of pretense. You took rather a lot of convincing, you stubborn, sexy man.

If you ever have a Friday off, you should come with me. The class is surprisingly enjoyable. And Luna is an excellent teacher.

Alas, the dark room beckons.

Yours, now more than ever,  
Draco


End file.
